Microeufetin-B

As Easter falls around this time every year, every year we get numerous questions from concerned parents regarding the ingredients of popular easter snacks, most notably Cadbury's Mini-Eggs.

Being scientifically literate, the majority of parents are aware that the sugar content of such treats is not the cause behind their childrens hyperactivity, and as such wish to know why Mini-Eggs have such a marked affect on the mood and activity of children between the ages of 4 and 37.

To study this, our scientists performed a 30-second mass spec to let us know what was in those eggs that Cadbury's wasn't telling us about. Unfortunately, our lead scientist ate the Mini-Eggs, so we had no choice but to read the ingredients.

And there it was, shining out in white letters on a purple background: treatment agent M573B.

In plain english, this is the highly addictive stimulant Microeufetin-B.

The family of chemicals classified as Microeufetins, which come in forms A through to X, are chain polypeptides found in the embryos of egg-laying vertebrates. In nature their function is two-part: in sub-ideal conditions, as a more-or-less spherical structure, they inhibit cell division by limiting the action of ribosomes. In ideal conditions, the structure re-arranges, and binds non-permanently to non-active sites of numerous enzymes, including DNA-polymerase, RNA transcriptase and - most importantly for the concerned parents - ATPase(see NOTE).

This leads to a massive increase in cell activity, well beyond the levels seen in adult animals, and in its most advanced forms, it can allow several months worth of development to happen in as little as three days. Unusually for a molecule whose primary function is in the embryo, it is only produced in adult females, and secreted into the egg prior to laying.

So now we come to the human use of this molecule.

Microeufetin-A, as might be expected, was the first form of this protein discovered, and is found in the eggs of galliform birds. This form is relatively mild, and its primary function is actually outside the embryo, where it promotes stability of the eggshell until light falls upon it, whereupon its active form weakens the shell and encourages chicks to break out through the uppermost surface of the egg.

Inside the embryo, its actions are more limited - when inactive, it reduces respiration by approximately 0.5%, and when the heat of the incubating parent bird activates it, it activates and increases respiration by 0.3% (both compared to birds unable to produce the hormone).

This form was the one originally licensed for use in foods - extracted from unfertilized chicken eggs, it has been used to stabilize the sugar/dye coating of a number of products for nearly fifteen years, and was the chemical that allowed smarties to incorporate less stable, natural food colourings into their crust.

Microeufetin-B, which counter-intuitively was about the seventh form discovered, is produced exclusively by sea-turtles. Its function is much more pronounced, as the developing turtles cannot develop in sub-ideal conditions, and yet must emerge at precisely the right time.

Within very specific temperature and humidity thresholds, it can increase respiratory activity by approximately 430%, and cell division rates by up to 180%, and - most unusually - as energy supplies grow low, it autonomously breaks down and releases a steady stream of energy into the cell for the final few days of development.

In sea-turtles, this is all well and good, but in mammals, it has an unfortunate side-effect: one of the products of its break-down closely mimics mammalian serotonin, sometimes described as the "Happy Hormone". This creates a feeling of euphoria to accompany the uncharacteristically high levels of available energy, which soon wears off, often leaving the consumer mildly feverish and, in cases of long-term usage, desensitized to their own serotonin and incapable of achieving happiness without chemical stimulation.

Further to negative consequences for health, Microeufetin-B is secreted by the female as two seperate polypeptide chains, which thus far can only be developed into the stable (inactive) form by an enzyme secreted by the embryo immediately following development. As such, companies providing Microeufetin-B to major confectioners across the globe collect fertilized eggs in vast numbers within weeks of their deposition, and - too often - destroy the developing embryo during the extraction process.

Confectioners, often apparently unaware of the illegal exploitation that produces this chemical, have nevertheless exploited a loophole left in the original licensing of Microeufetin-A to introduce this potentially harmful, powerfully addictive and ethically unacceptable chemical into their products.






DISCLAIMER: To our current knowledge, absolutely none of the above information has any basis in fact. It is made up entirely for entertainment purposes and because we resent that Mini-eggs are not available year-round. No Cadbury's product is known or suspected to contain any illegal products, or anything more addictive than sugar and really good chocolate. To our current knowledge, all Cadbury's products are labelled according to their suitability for vegetarians and give a full and accurate list of ingredients. 

Smarties also probably do not contain crushed chicken's eggs. However, we haven't checked, because Smarties are boring.


NOTE: ATP (Adenosine TriPhosphate) is often described as the energy currency of the cell. It is a reasonably stable, high energy molecule which is created from Adenosine DiPhosphate (ADP) and a phosphate ion as a sort of molecular battery whenever a cell breaks down a high-energy molecule to release energy. In this way, the energy released from respiration is not all lost as head when unstable carrier ions break down. Instead, it is stored until needed, keeping us from having to drink sugar constantly and also preventing us from spontaneously combusting every time our cells break out a fresh glucose molecule. ATPase is the enzyme responsible for turning ADP+Phosphate into ATP and - crucially - vice versa, allowing this "battery" to be tapped into and the energy within put to use).